"DA THE BROOKLYN DIGITAL DICTIONARY"

New Digital cameras, new photo processes, new writers who blog you to death, new forum gurus and new words, the spoken language is traveling at the same rate the manufacturers are bringing out new products.  Faster than Paris Hilton can take her clothes off. Even faster than the press can get there when she's taking her clothes off! 

Today your brains are obsolete the minute you think a thought.  So as a public service, I felt it necessary to bring forth the latest non-technical terms made for everyday lexicon communication on WEB BLOGS about photography and my second favorite things to write about. Corrupt Politics.

This guide has been approved for use in B&H and Adorama stores in NY for those visiting from out of town. And here's a spot of trivia, as soon as you think new words are being added, many of the languages and dialects are vanishing.  There are 6000 known languages and dialects and linguists expect we will lose a third of them in the next 20-30 years.

A-B-C

Alternation (all-tern-a-chun)  Stemming from the melding of Altercation and Alteration and the root "alter" or to change. We have in the new form expressed one idea. ALTERNATION is defined as bombing the crap out of a foreign country to improve life for all of it's citizens. Since we are the author of the word, this is one that should be named after the citizen who brought this world literally to the kitchen table. President George W. Bush defines the word ALTERNATION. 

Algorithim ( al-gore-wryth-them) A mathematical computation of the moves and dance steps former Vice President Al Gore makes in and around the political scene. To say he moves to the beat of a different drummer might be construed as accurate. Think of it as the late Gene Krupa on two red bulls. 

In photography it refers to the battery charging curve used to try to hurry recycle your AA batteries when they went stone dead at your last reception and you forgot to charge the spares. Same dance, lots of bad moves. 

Averision ( Ah-ver-ridge-on)  Thinking the others guys products will make you a better photographer and you have no financial access to the other brand at this time. As used in a sentence "The picture would of been better at the higher ISO had I shot it with the XXXX, but I have an averision to that brand".

Bananical (bah-na-na-kill)  Something so stupidly designed it's like a banana sitting on a floor just waiting for someone to step on it and slip.  Funny but tragic.....Bananical.

Bokah (Bo-ka) A term used to denote a blurry patterned background in pictures taken with fast lenses at wide open apertures. It has several spellings and enunciations and is often confused with Brokaw (a news anchor) and Borucha (beginning of a short Jewish prayer) and Broka (as in when you drop a Nikon it usually is broka)

Brandasticizm (br-an-das-ti-sizz-m) Someone so wrapped in their brand being loud to the point of idiocy and admitting they got divorced so they could sleep with their camera instead of their former mate.

Comapatibility  (ko-mah-patta-bill-ity)  The writer thinks you are in a COMA. A typical brain-dead portion of a write up that will tell you the new toy works with the old toys.  It is usually seen in new model camera write-ups as all former lenses work with this model EXCEPT and they list the forty that don't.  All you saw if you have comapatibility is " all former lenses work", then the COMA begins.

Crapo-zoidal (k-rap-o-zoi-dal)  Something that's really bad beyond normal bad and should of been left in a porcelain container.

Corpo-Guano (kor-po gu-an-oo)  The Corporate level leaky crapo-zoidal that appears usually before and after the PMA and the PhotoKino.

Canophilia  (can-oh-feel-e-yah)   The insult generalizations expressed by a Canon full frame owner as he verbally assaults a brand new Canon point and shoot owner on his first photo trip to the zoo.  

Canonization (kan-on-i-ay-shun) The scared almost religious ritual when a former Nikon owner, listens to the web blogs and forums and annihilates his bank account selling his Nikons and purchasing Canon products.  (see also Nikonismosis)

Chimp Chump  (Chim -p- Chum-p) Someone who spends so much time looking at his images he misses all the shots.

D-E-F

Disturbulator (dis-turb-u-later) Someone who has no store, no business license, no stock but takes orders on a commission basis in the photo industry.

Edulation (ed-u-lay-shun) An idiot who hasn't figured out the use of the spell checker yet. In praise one could say "he was highly edulated".

Farticulation (far-tic-u-lay-shon)  One who on a forum loudly sings the praises of a product he or she has never used owned or has a clue about and is taking it to his first Wedding.  Eminent, sometimes pronounced Enemasos Farticulation occurs when a new gadget, toy or device like a well known grenade diffuser gets used for the first time and through the grace of DR. LUCK works for the guy. Unfortunately on the next job he forgets the white balance or wrong ISO, stands under a glass chandelier, shoots the snoot right into it, creates farticulates of multi-colored light and his luck runs out, the Bride is not happy with her Christmas tree look and wants her money back.

Fartenling (far-tin-lee-ng)  A very young upstart in the business who learned it all from Ritz..

Faux-tographer  ( fo-tog-rap-fir) People who claim that badly exposed, poorly composed images are good because their horrible image is "art." In actuality, they are just bad photographers who love the fact that they can hide behind an art moniker instead of from learning their craft.

Fartware (far-t-wear)  This is basically Vaporware, stuff that gets announced with big words and new scientific breakthroughs which usually ends in file 13 or the village dump.  Think of "Fartware" as verbal appeasements so investors don't come out of the ether as in the Imagec - Silicon scam promising for four years a new Digital one size fits all back for their products. 

I coined 'Fartware" almost ten years ago because the phrase Vaporware just wasn't enough. This was more than vapor, this one really stunk.....  Unfortunately, my phrase got picked-up on the web blogs and forums and everyone else made it part of web vernacular.  Today it represents breakthroughs that haven't scratched the surface but are great in lieu of third quarter earnings as a stall and the only thing they scratched was their owners ass. 

Fujiitus (Fu-gee-i-tus)  Similar to Canonization and Nikonismosis, but reactions are more moderate and less violent. Those with Fujiitus often are very respondent in their choice of flowery words and great expression of color. It seems they do this twice as often as Canonites and Nikonites claiming the Fujiitus is twice as strong.

G-H-I

Gerbil Fodder (Grr-bill-fa-der)  the unique term for the BS those right and left wing bloggers and political activists, and talking heads throw out. Named after gerbils who spend part of their lives procreating making more gerbils and spinning their little feet on wheels trying to be "big wheels". Generally they cannot see the truth because it would serve them no purpose.  See Lemming Juice

Gorgazolarized (gor-gan-zoller-eyes-d) something that makes people go phew, what stinks! 

Heinz site (Hinds-sight) Actually two meanings: Something Senator John Kerry knows all about involving a place or location where apologies are given for stupid remarks either by the Senator or his wife and the view of Mrs. Kerry after she insults a reporter with foul language and leaves the building.

Hypo-typo ( hy-po-typ-oh) Succulation in it's most blatant form.

J-K-L

Lemming Juice ( leh-ming-jew-swis)
Lemmings are the little animals that follow a leader off the edge of a cliff, really dumb animals. It is  a term used by some cool Journalists as a hack job or  “Lemming Juice”.  It is predominant in political or hollywood rumors, stories that are (you guessed it, pass it on) FOWARD's on the web. This stuff is Lemming juice, similar to Gerbil fodder, stories that have been manipulated or altered from the original writer, and tainted to go on the web usually for political or social embarrassment. Good Journalist's ignore this and check the record.

Lithiumization (Lith- e-um-I-zay -shun) Thinking the latest and the greatest is the best going on out there. Sometimes even the rabbit gets bested by the proven, reliable and the time tested process called Turtilization albeit slow but does not suffer from: see Luminization.

Leicaware  (lie-kaka-wear)  Leica's attempt to slow role their NEW DIGITAL back with delays time after time. see also Fartware. Leicaware also refers to the 29.00 baseball caps they sell with their LOGO on it as ridiculously expensive as their cameras.

Luminization  suff; EXTREME: (Lumy-i-zay-shun) Extreme luminization is the bright light produced by something on your workbench that has self illuminated usually followed by smoke and an acrid smell.  suff: INCREDIBLE  Incredible luminization occurs when the idiot you are trying to communicate with finally understands your point.  Commonly confused in spelling with illuminization which refers to turning on the light switch when you enter a room.

M-N-O

ME-KA-KA (me-cah-cah)  Senator Allen defining his career after referring to a photographer from the opposition as Mikaka.  After the election it was changed to HE-KA-KA. Mi-ka-ka is also used by little diaper bound children when it comes time for a change of venues.  There has always been a close verbal association between politics and poop.

Moronisis (Mor-ron-knee-sis) the art of dealing with morons showing great restraint, observing enormous amounts of politeness and secretly wanting to rip the idiots head off and throwing a dead cat down the hole. Used in a sentence: "He exhibited a great deal of moronisis in dealing with that individual. Sometimes used in the political arena.

Nikonismosis  ( Ni-con-is-mo-siss) The sacred almost religious ritual when a former Nikon owner, listens to the web blogs and forums and annihilates his bank account selling his Nikons and after purchasing Canon products. This is the second stage where he realizes it wasn't the cameras problem after all, it was his lousy pre-planning, lack of understanding of Photoshop tools and generally poor post processing.  

Nikophilia  (nike-oh-feel-e-yah)   The throw downs from a Nikon full frame owner as he verbally assaults a brand new Nikon L120 point and shoot owner on his first photo trip to the zoo. Similar to Canophilia. Some forums have come under scrutiny for their callous allowance of such remarks by the Flatican who know a lot more than they told you about.

Over-Schtupped  (Ov-rrr shurttup-pid)  Over glory of the product. A person or product completely over the top in praise (self denial of sanity or a failure to rationalize) for a product. Sort of like taking the rusted 87 Cadillac Sedan de Ville with severe pitted rust on the door frame and rocker panels and putting 3500 dollars worth of Shiny Chrome Spinning Wheels on it followed by the Boom Buster stereo to wake the neighborhood.  Fortunately, this only lasts till the repo company finds the car via the police hot sheet or the frickin wheels get clipped by a rival gang.  The product like most of our politicians are more sizzle and a lot less meat unless you count the pork as steak.

Overcrapilization (Ov-rrr-k-rap-iili-zay-shun) Over self glory of the author.
The simple way of expressing too much about nothing.  Think of it as the big box of candy you get at the movies and then when you open it, it is half filled. The process leads to Over-schtuppeding.

P-Q-R

Pedophilia Photography  (Peh-dogh-feel-ia)  basically the lowest form of human behavior exhibited by Cretins who should have most of their limbs ripped from their bodies and beat to death with a Canon or Nikon 1200MM preferably swung in a wide arc by a Gitzo HD Monopod.

Pedophilia-dosis  ( Peh-do-feel-ia-dise-is) That gut feeling you get after shooting that cute thing and you remembered you forgot to ask for and get a copy of her birth certificate.

Pixel Fairy (picks-l fair-ree) The little person that removes all ability to retrieve an image after you have over exposed your image. Once the pixel fairy takes a pixel...you are left with nothing but white.

Pamification (pam-if-i-ka-sion) the art of bringing Pornographic art to a new height by using celebrities instead of unknown porn artists.

Parproamnist (Par-pro-am-nist) Those who spend all their time telling people how great they are on the blogs as a professional photographer then ten minutes later ask simple questions like "Whats an ISO?" clueing you they are really an amateur or photographers assistant.

Proto-hype  (pro-toe-hi-pe) Promises of long awaited scientific breakthroughs that are more than just drawings, they have reached the plastic model stage.  The advanced proto-hype is the plastic model with the sound box removed from  "Talking Elmo". This was brought to the professional level by a company called silicon Imaging who promised digital backs to fit film cameras and received an award from the PMA for the product of the year which didn't exist.

Proprietary  (Webster's Unabridged) Something is proprietary; exclusively owned by someone, often with connotations that it is exclusive and cannot be used by other parties without negotiations. It may specifically mean that something is covered by one or more patents, as in proprietary technology. It can also mean that the copyright is used in a way that restricts the users' freedoms.

Proprietary (Brooklyn Bridged) (Pro-Pry-it-Tory) made up from three words. The art of making something so as to trigger a response from a user whose has his money pried from his hands by a bunch of gangsters.

"PRO" It represents professionalism (first three letters, PRO) deeply embedded in protectionism of the brand relationships activated by a minutia part of the brain known as the cranial-rectal dyslexia cross vortex. "AKA something for brains syndrome"
"PRY" Closely related to Heston Syndrome, “You’ll pry-it from my cold dead hands” another old fart gone fanatic with dementia. Maybe he walked on polluted water. 
"Tory" : Well read up on Irish bandits. The word Tories was originally used to describe rural bandits in Ireland. In the 17th century it had become a term applied to monarchists in the House of Commons.

Putz, Putz's, Putz'i  (Brooklyn Bridged Dictionary) (Pu~tt-z) Another unique word with several meanings expressing all Jewish emotion from love, stupidity and hate. More is made of "How it is said or used" then the word itself.  

Putz is sometimes confused with the word "schmuck". Schmuck is an insulting term also with variable meanings. Putz can be a fool, an innocent in the wrong place. Example: "What a putz for marrying her".  -or- "What a Putz, giving tap dance lessons in a condemned building'?.  Schmuck is more severe if used in those terms.

Rectalize (wreck-tall-eyes) The end result of long debates and admission that the other party was right and that your thinking was stupid/ and or full of it.  

Repeatists  (re-pee-tis-ts) One who is gifted enough with cut and paste, the ability to use a lexicon and thesaurus and can copy company advertising and create a web page called a blog.  High level Repeatists have the ability to occasionally create a few unused words and relate to their story to make it appear they actually did write something.

S-T-U

Schmuck  (shi-muc-ck)  This popular word adapted by both Yiddish scholars and American Street Linguists (A.S.L.) represents the frugal approach to wordology. In other words, how we make simple words expand their usage by different meanings.  

Not without consequence though as the wrong use of words could start a war or a divorce.  For example: While pontificating to the French President you flatter him by saying 'what a cunning linguist you are"  This could backfire if his wife overheard it.  Schmuck is one of those words.. 

Technically "Shmuck" is a Yiddish word meaning the whole penis. However some groups, in penis slang, it refers to the part thrown away during circumcision by the moile.  But is is also used in Yiddish humor as it is derived from the German word for jewelry, or decoration. 

If used wrong in common conversation, as in "He wore his schmuck well on his sleeve" just might not fly. You could be meaning how nice the decorative cufflinks looked with the shirt. Confusing, I would not use this word amongst Orthodox Jewish Groups.  You might be the schmuck missing his schmuck.

However, the A.S.L. English usage of "schmuck", (I am the current President) is widely understood to mean someone who's a little stupid or a bit of an idiot. But not a danger, or with malice, or threat to you. 

A "Schmo" is a soft variety of schmuck.  Hardcore advocates see "schmock", being both a word for the whole penis as has been said, and also a strongly offensive insult.  Eng. "pr*ck".  

LOVE: Observing your closest friend marrying Lady Gaga.  "What a schmuck, I wish him well".
ENVY: Winning the lottery;  "How did that schmuck get so lucky".
HATE: "He switched tickets'?  "I'll kill that schmuck".
GREED:  "How did a schmuck like that invent the electric fork". 
SEX: "Gotta love that schmuck, he gets all the action".
PHYSICAL DAMAGE:  "Now there's a real schmuck, he was circumcised by a far-sighted moile".

Sphincterization (spink-terror-i-zay-chon)  The art of putting fear into words for the purpose of selling your product. Almost everything in advertising today uses a form of sphincterization since all ads start off with a problem.  Luckily their product solves that awful problem.

Sardastic  (zar-das-tick)  Carefully chosen words used at a poignant moment in time encapsulating both sarcasm and carefully placed humor, or is it humor and carefully placed sarcasm.

Succulation (suc-u-lay-chun) Writers using this technique always get the latest and greatest because negativism doesn't exist in their world.  Everything they write is "hypo-typo"  and their world is as perfect as the products they speak of.  They often appear on the Martha Stewart show since her world is perfect too and as close as that cafe latte` on your desk.

Talking points (Expression Eng.  taw-king-poy-ents) Political slang for Spears.  When asked a question where the truth might just be embarrassing to your product, party or your candidate you dodge it by using a talking point. Think of talking points as a quiver full of short sharp deadly spears tipped with curare and a smile.  You throw up the point just like you throw a spear hopefully with malice and injuring your opponent. 

Example:  "How good is the Nikon Flash"?
Talking Point Answer.  "The Kosmonoflex 2000 is half the price or twice the output of the nikon".

Example: In politics Sarah Palin when asked, "Did you really sell the airplane on eBay"
Talking Point: She replied Obama is against the NRA. (Both missed-shots) 
Truth: The plane was sold privately, it failed on eBay and he is not against the NRA, he would like to see the proliferation of non hunting, military weapons off the city streets. Big difference, bigger lies.

Uncle Fred (unc-L-fr-red) A phrase used to denote someone who has too much discretionary money and no talent and has gotten in your way at the last wedding you shot. You wished he'd stepped on that landmine while he was saving FRANCE during WWII.

V-W-X-Z

Vulcherization (vul-chur-i-say-chun)  The carcass driven insight given by politicians and religious leaders who swoop down on tragic news events when you are trying to cover a story with their own spin and persona. An example would be "Oh-Oh Jesse Jackson's here". Now that's vulcherization at it's best!The most dangerous ten feet in the world is the distance between Jesse and a live news camera.

Wopperistic (wopp-er-iz-tick)  "man that's wopperistic" as used in a sentence to acknowledge and then blow-off the other guys last burp of nonsense.

X (ecks)  A very common letter used at the end of most of the other letters to denote >greater than. In cars it's the LX, the EX and the X followed by a small i.  Cameras also use the "X" to denote both upmanship and brandsmanship like Pentax goes bonkers with little "x's".  In it's most extreme usage it denote the "X", the person you send alimony to each month in lieu of purchasing that new D2X which has an X in it also by coincidence.

Zoophilia (sooo-feeel-yaaa)  Thinking those boring animal shots you carefully stalked in the local zoo will make the front cover of the National Geographic Magazine backing your claims to be a real naturalist. The only naturalism in your life was skinny dipping in the local waterhole when you were a kid and losing your trunks.