AL's
DIGITAL DICTIONARY
New Digital cameras, new photo
processes, new writers who blog you to death, new forum gurus and new words, the spoken language is traveling at the same rate
the manufacturers are bringing out new products. Faster than Paris
Hilton can take her clothes off. Even faster than the press can get
there when she's taking her clothes off!
Today your brains are obsolete the minute
you think a thought. So as a public service, I felt it necessary to
bring forth the latest non-technical terms made for everyday lexiconic communication on WEB BLOGS about photography.
A-B-C
Algorithim ( al-gore-wryth-them)
A mathematical computation of the moves and dance steps former Vice
President Al Gore makes in and around the political scene. To say he moves
to the beat of a different drummer might be construed as accurate. The
late Gene Krupa on two red bulls. In
photography it refers to the battery charging curve used to try to hurry
recycle your AA batteries when they went stone dead at your last reception
and you forgot to charge the spares. Same dance, lots of bad moves.
Averision ( Ah-ver-ridge-on) Thinking the others guys products will make you a better photographer
and you have no financial access to the other brand at this time. As used
in a sentence "The picture would of been better at the higher ISO had I
shot it with the XXXX, but I have an averision to that brand".
Bananical (bah-na-na-kill) Something so stupidly designed it's like a banana sitting on a floor
just waiting for someone to step on it and slip. Funny but
tragic.....Bananical.
Bokah (Bo-ka) A term used to
denote a blurry patterned background in pictures taken with fast lenses at
wide open apertures. It has several spellings and enunciations and is
often confused with Brokaw ( a news anchor) and Borucha (beginning of a
short Jewish prayer) and Broka ( as in when you drop a Nikon it usually is
broka)
Brandasticizm (br-an-das-ti-sizz-m) Someone so wrapped in their brand being loud to the point of idiocy
and admitting they got divorced so they could sleep with their camera
instead of their former mate.
Comapatibility (ko-mah-patta-bill-ity) The writer thinks you are
in a COMA. A typical brain-dead portion of a write up that will tell you
the new toy works with the old toys. It is usually seen in new model
camera write-ups as all former lenses work with this model EXCEPT and they
list the forty that don't. All you saw if you have comapatibility is
" all former lenses work", then the COMA begins.
Crapo-zoidal (k-rap-o-zoi-dal) Something
that's really bad beyond normal bad and should of been left in a porcelain
container.
Corpo-Guano (kor-po gu-an-oo) The Corporate level
leaky crapo-zoidal that appears usually before and after the PMA and the PhotoKino.
Canonization (kan-on-i-ay-shun) The scared almost
religious ritual when a former Nikon owner, listens to the web blogs and
forums and annihilates his bank account selling his Nikons and purchasing
Canon products. (see also Nikonismosis)
Chimp Chump (Chim -p- Chum-p) Someone who spends so much
time looking at his images he misses all the shots.
D-E-F
Disturbulator (dis-turb-u-later)
Someone who has no store, no business license, no stock but takes
orders on a commission basis in the photo industry.
Edulation (ed-u-lay-shun)
An idiot who hasn't figured out the use of the spell checker yet. In
praise one could say "he was highly edulated".
Fartulation (far-tu-lay-shion) One who sings the
praises of a product he (or she) has never used owned or has a clue
about and is taking it to his first Wedding. Eminent (sometimes
pronounced Enema) Fartulation occurs when a new gadget, toy or device
(like a diffuser) gets used for the first time and through the grace
of DR. LUCK works for the guy. Unfortunately on the next job he
forgets the white balance or wrong ISO, his luck runs out and the
Bride is not happy and wants her money back.
Fartenling (far-tin-lee-ng) A very young upstart in the business who learned it all from
Ritz..
Faux-tographer ( fo-tog-rap-fir) People who claim
that badly exposed, poorly composed images are good because their
horrible image is "art." In actuality, they are just bad photographers
who love the fact that they can hide behind an art moniker instead of from
learning their craft.
Fartware (far-t-wear) This is basically Vaporware, stuff
that gets announced with big words and new scientific breakthroughs which
usually ends in file 13 or the village dump. Think of "Fartware" as
verbal appeasements so investors don't come out of the ether as in the
Imagec - Silicon scam promising for four years a new Digital one size fits
all back for their products. I coined 'Fartware" almost ten
years ago because the phrase
Vaporware just wasn't enough. This was more than vapor, this one
really stunk..... Unfortunately, my phrase got picked-up on the
web blogs and forums and everyone else made it part of web vernacular.
Today it represents breakthroughs that haven't scratched the surface
but are great in lieu of third quarter earnings as a stall.
Fujiitus (Fu-gee-i-tus) Similar to Canonization
and Nikonismosis, but reactions are more moderate and less violent. Those
with Fujiitus often are very respondent in their choice of flowery words
and great expression of color. It seems they do this twice as often
as Canonites and Nikonites claiming the Fujiitus is twice as strong.
G-H-I
Gorgazolarized (gor-gan-zoller-eyes-d) something that makes
people go phew, what stinks!
Heinz site (Hinds-sight) Actually two meanings: Something
Senator John Kerry knows all about involving a place or location where
apologies are given for stupid remarks either by the Senator or his
wife and the view of Mrs. Kerry after she insults a reporter with foul
language and leaves the building.
Hypo-typo ( hy-po-typ-oh) Succulation in it's most blatant
form.
J-K-L
Lithiumization
(Lith- e-um-I-zay
-shun) Thinking the latest and the greatest is the best going on
out there.
Sometimes even the rabbit gets bested by the proven, reliable and the time
tested process called Turtilization albeit slow but does not suffer from:
see Luminization.
Leicaware (lie-kaka-wear) Leicas attempt to slow role their NEW DIGITAL back with delays time after
time. see also Fartware.
Luminization suff; EXTREME: (Lumy-i-zay-shun) Extreme luminization is the bright light produced by something on your
workbench that has self illuminated usually followed by smoke and an acrid
smell.
suff: INCREDIBLE Incredible luminization occurs when the
idiot you are trying to communicate with finally understands your point.
Commonly confused in spelling with illuminization which refers to
turning on the light switch when you enter a room.
M-N-O
ME-KA-KA (me-cah-cah)
Senator Allen defining his career after referring to a photographer
from the opposition as mikaka. After the election it was
changed to HE-KA-KA
Moronisis (Mor-ron-knee-sis)
the art of dealing with morons showing great restraint, observing
enormous amounts of politeness and secretly wanting to rip the idiots
head off and throwing a dead cat down the hole.
Used in a sentence: "He exhibited a
great deal of moronisis in dealing with that individual. Sometimes
used in the political arena.
Nikonismosis (
Ni-con-is-mo-siss) The scared almost religious ritual when a
former Nikon owner, listens to the web blogs and forums and
annihilates his bank account selling his Nikons and after purchasing
Canon products. This is the second stage where he realizes it wasn't
the cameras problem after all, it was his lousy pre-planning, lack of
understanding of Photoshop tools and generally poor post processing.
P-Q-R
Pedophilia Photography (Peh-dogh-feel-ia) basically
the lowest form of human behavior exhibited by Cretins who should have
most of their limbs ripped from their bodies and beat to death with a
Canon or Nikon 1200MM prferably swung in a wide arc by a Gitzo HD
Monopod.
Pedophilia-dosis
That gut feeling you get after shooting that cute thing and you
remembered you forgot to ask for and get a copy of her birth
certificate.
Pixel Fairy
The little person that removes all ability to retrieve an image after
you have over exposed your image. Once the pixel fairy takes a
pixel...you are left with nothing but white.
Pamification (pam-if-i-ka-sion) the art of bringing
Pornographic art to a new height by using celebrities instead of
unknown porn artists.
Parproamnist (Par-pro-am-nist) Those
who spend all their time telling people how great they are on the
blogs as a
professional photographer then ten minutes later ask simple questions
like "Whats an ISO?" clueing you
they are really an amateur or photographers assistant.
Proto-hype (pro-toe-hi-pe) Promises of long
awaited scientific breakthroughs that are more than just drawings, they
have reached the plastic model stage. The advanced proto-hype
is the plastic model with the sound box removed from "Talking Elmo".
This was brought to the professional level by a company called silicon
Imaging who promised digital backs to fit film cameras and received an
award from the PMA for the product of the year which didn't exist.
Proprietary
(Webster's Unabridged) Something is proprietary; exclusively owned
by someone, often with connotations that it is exclusive and cannot be
used by other parties without negotiations. It may specifically mean
that something is covered by one or more patents, as in proprietary
technology. It can also mean that the copyright is used in a way that
restricts the users' freedoms.
Proprietary (Brooklyn Bridged)
'Pro-Pry-it-Tory.
made up from three words. The art of making something so as to trigger
a response from a user whose has his money pried from his hands by a
bunch of gangsters.
"PRO" It represents professionalism (first three letters, PRO)
deeply embedded in protectionism of the brand relationships activated
by a minutia part of the brain known as the cranial-rectal dyslexia
cross vortex. "AKA something for brains syndrome"
"PRY" Closely related to Heston Syndrome, “You’ll pry-it
from my cold dead hands” another old fart gone fanatic with dementia.
Maybe he walked on polluted water.
"Tory" : Well read up on Irish bandits. The word Tories was
originally used to describe rural bandits in Ireland. In the 17th
century it had become a term applied to monarchists in the House of
Commons.
Rectalize (wreck-tall-eyes) The end result of long debates
and admission that the other party was right and that your thinking was
stupid/ and or full of it.
Repeatists (re-pee-tis-ts) One who is gifted enough
with cut and paste, the ability to use a lexicon and thesaurus and can
copy company advertising and create a web page called a blog. High
level Repeatists have the ability to occasionally create a few unused
words and relate to their story to make it appear they actually did write
something.
S-T-U
Uncle Fred A phrase used to denote someone who has too much discretionary money and
no talent and has gotten in your way at the last wedding you shot. You
wished he'd stepped on that landmine while he was saving FRANCE during
WWII.
Sphincterization
(spink-terror-i-zay-chon) The art of putting fear
into words for the purpose of selling your product. Almost everything
in advertising today uses a form of sphincterization since all ads
start off with a problem. Luckily their product solves that
awful problem.
Sardastic (zar-das-tick) Carefully chosen words
used at a poignant moment in time encapsulating both sarcasm and carefully
placed humor, or is it humor and carefully placed sarcasm.
Succulation (suc-u-lay-chun) Writers using this technique
always get the latest and greatest because negativism doesn't exist in
their world. Everything they write is "hypo-typo" and
their world is as perfect as the products they speak of. They
often appear on the Martha Stewart show since her world is perfect too
and as close as that cafe latte` on your desk.
V-W-X-Z
Vulcherization (vul-chur-i-say-chun)
The carcass driven insight given by politicians and religious leaders
who swoop down on tragic news events when you are trying to cover a
story with their own spin and persona. An example would be "Oh-Oh
Jesse Jackson's here". Now that's vulcherization at it's best!
Wopperistic (wopp-er-iz-tick) "man that's wopperistic" as used in a sentence to
acknowledge and then blow-off the other guys last burp of nonsense.
X (ecks) A very
common letter used at the end of most of the other letters to denote
>greater than. In cars it's the LX, the EX and the X followed by a
small i. Cameras also use the "X" to denote both
upmanship and brandsmanship like
Pentax goes bonkers with little "x's". In it's most extreme
usage it denote the "X", the person you send alimony to each month in
lieu of purchasing that new D2X which has an X in it also by
coincidence.
Zoophilia (sooo-feeel-yaaa) Thinking those boring
animal shots you carefully stalked in the local zoo will make the
front cover of the National Geographic Magazine backing your claims to
be a real naturalist. The only naturalism in your life was
skinny dipping in the local waterhole when you were a kid.
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